


and as the seasons change, so do we

by 5timesforreal



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Autumn, Declarations Of Love, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Fluff and Angst, Leaving, M/M, No closure, Pining (towards the end), SakuAtsu, SakuAtsu Angst Week 2021, Seasons, Self-Doubt, Spring, Summer, Winter, maybe too perfect, sakusa and atsumu were perfect together, sakusa wonders why he wasn't enough, toxic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 02:20:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30014613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5timesforreal/pseuds/5timesforreal
Summary: You were always enough for me.Even if I wasn’t anything to you.-They were perfect together. Atsumu and Sakusa. Omi and 'Tsumu. They loved each other immensely, as if they were meant to be. They fit together so well, with just the right amount of clash between their differing personalities.They were soulmates.At least Sakusa thought they were.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 19
Collections: SakuAtsuAngstWeek





	1. Spring

**Author's Note:**

> I said I would be here for Sakuatsu Angst Week!
> 
> Welcome to my Day 4 story, this is based off the prompt "Am I not enough?" 
> 
> As an apology before I post all of the chapters and you read all of them, I'm so sorry.
> 
> Please enjoy the angst and the slight fluff!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/5timesforreal)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring brings the promise of better days and new love.

_As the changing of seasons come, so do you_

_My spring, my new beginning_

_The start of a new book, so fresh and satisfying_

_So well deserved, so needed_

_My beautiful emergence of new emotions_

_Thanks to you_

_Oh, my spring_

_-_

Sakusa could hear the birds singing outside his window this time.

He could hear their little calls and the soft flutter of their wings as they enjoyed the dawn of a new day. He softly smiled, enjoying the start of a different morning, of a fresh season.

It was officially spring after all.

With spring came the promise of warmth, of sakura trees in full bloom, of going outside with a t-shirt instead of a jacket on, of breathing the fresh, new air brought in after an unbearably long cold period.

Spring promised new beginnings, a blank page filled with the possibilities of what could be. It was as if there was a blank canvas now, begging to be filled with explosive colours and descriptive stories that would rewrite all of the cold winter had brought.

Sakusa sighed, feeling content and satisfied with this small realization. He knew what he wanted to do today.

Soft snores and the occasional rustling sounded from beside his head, filling the silence and interrupting the songbirds. He laughed softly and turned to look at the man sleeping beside him, so serene yet chaotic at the same time.

With his soft hair flat against the pillow and the small line of drool coming out of his mouth as he quietly breathed with the occasional snore slipping through, Atsumu was a sight to behold in the early mornings. His limbs were stretched out in weird angles, one arm across Sakusa’s chest and the other dangling somewhere behind him. One leg was intertwined with Sakusa’s leg and the other was half off the bed.

Sakusa couldn’t help but chuckle. It was something else to see Miya Atsumu look so vulnerable yet so uncomfortable at the same time. He laughed quietly once more and slowly reached towards his nightstand to grab his phone, careful not to disturb Atsumu’s arm around his chest. Once he successfully grabbed it and was positioned in the bed to have the best view of his face, Sakusa took a quick picture of him and made a mental note to send it to Osamu the minute he had a chance too. He knew he would appreciate it.

The shutter noise that went off disturbed Atsumu, and he opened his eyes wearily, blinking a few times to get the sleep out of them. Sakusa felt the weight lift off his chest and Atsumu brought his arms up to rub at his eyes, a small groan emitting from his lips when he stretched them over his head.

Sakusa was frozen in place as Atsumu turned his head, his eyes still adjusting to the faint light coming through the window. He smiled slightly once he saw his face and Atsumu’s entire face brightened up a bit. Sakusa felt warm, like stepping into the hot sun after being in a cold building all day. He couldn’t help but soften once he saw Atsumu’s face, smiling at him like that.

Then, Atsumu’s eyes travelled down and his eyes narrowed at the phone in Sakusa’s hands, which was still held at the right angle to let him know that he just took a picture of him. Atsumu’s brows puckered a bit and he pouted slightly, obviously a bit annoyed at having his sleep interrupted with the sound of a picture being taken. Sakusa wanted nothing more than to kiss away the line in his brow and to take away that pout with one soft brush of his lips, but he knew better. He shuffled away as subtly as he could, but this movement didn’t go past Atsumu.

Of course.

Noticing Sakusa, Atsumu’s pout disappeared into a small smirk, and mischief swirled in his fully awake eyes. Sakusa gulped, not liking where this was headed.

“Ya wouldn’t be tryin’ to run away from me now, would ya Omi?” The teasing tone was present in his voice and Atsumu shuffled closer to Sakusa, slowly closing the gap between them.

Sakusa morphed his face into the most impassive expression he could, even though it was near impossible when Atsumu’s hair was half sticking up and there were lines all over his face from the pillows. He was seriously trying his hardest to not burst out laughing. He shook his head no, yet moved as far as he could from Atsumu.

That’s when he realized there was nowhere to go, because he was at the edge of the bed. If he moved a millimeter more, he would be a tumbling mess on the floor. Atsumu took advantage of his hesitation, and didn’t hesitate to completely close any distance between them by moving as close to Sakusa as possible.

Sakusa’s breath left his body all at once because their bodies were so close and he could feel the heat emitting from Atsumu and his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek and- _his heart was beating out of his chest and he was afraid Atsumu would hear it and make jokes about him being so affected by him._

He was affected by him, immensely.

“What were ya doin’ with yer phone Omi? Takin’ a picture maybe?” Atsumu’s voice was a soft drawl in his ears, so lilting and teasing. He could feel his warm breath fan over his face in waves.

Sakusa shook his head no once again, more aggressively than last time. This peaked Atsumu’s interest and he immediately leaned in so their foreheads were touching and their eyes were boring holes into one another, pure onyx and honey brown. 

If Sakusa’s heart was beating out of his chest a couple of minutes ago, then his heart wasn’t even in his chest anymore; more like in his throat with the way it was thumping so ferociously.

“I think yer lyin’ to me,” Atsumu accused lightly, “Ya wouldn’t lie to me, would ya?” Sakusa scoffed and focused his eyes on something other than Atsumu’s face, which was impossible because they were so close that he couldn’t see anything else.

Atsumu smirked wider, obviously enjoying the reactions he was getting out of Sakusa. He lifted his hands and slightly cupped Sakusa’s face, drawing small circles on his cheek with his finger. Sakusa relaxed and closed his eyes, letting his head fall into Atsumu’s hand easily. Atsumu’s breath hitched at the softness of his features and the way his head fit so perfectly in his palm, like it was made for him. His mind went blank and rambled with nonsense and words of _he’s so pretty, his smile is ethereal, how did I get so lucky-_

He was whipped. Completely and utterly whipped.

Atsumu tightened his hold slightly around Sakusa’s jaw and brought both of their faces together for a slow kiss. Their lips met and Atsumu sighed immediately, letting his other hand cup the other side of his face as he cherished Sakusa’s slightly chapped lips, wanting nothing more than to stay like this for the rest of the day. Sakusa brought his hands up to hold Atsumu’s hands lightly, leaning towards him more to keep them together, secure. Their lips danced a slow waltz, not rushing towards anything, just enjoying the music and the steps that carried them away into pure bliss. They continued their struts, twirls, and they swayed in sync, fully encompassing the satisfaction that was the first kiss in the morning light. 

Their heart beat with their slow movements, the birds continued their song with their chirps, and the light warmed them from the outside in. Sakusa couldn’t help but think _this is what love is._

_Love is waking up to your significant other, seeing their pure face in a state of vulnerability as they breath evenly and sleep._

_Love is the way the eyes and face reflect affection as the first thing you see in the early morning is your love beside you, so tender and familiar._

_Love is being so close to you that there is no room for air between us and the only separation between our hearts is skin and clothes._

_Love is being with you, Atsumu, kissing you and being with you on the first day of spring._

_Spring brings the promise of better days and new love._

_Oh, my Atsumu. My spring._


	2. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth of summer was unforgettable hurt mixed with the unbearable heat. 

_With sweltering heat and stagnant air comes summer_

_The aftermath of a fresh spring_

_  
__Where the flowers seem to colour vibrantly_

_Where the birds are a constant orchestra, belting out choruses_

_Where there are more smiles, more warm emotions, more kindness_

_Where life seems to be a little brighter, a little happier_

_If this is summer_

_Then what am I to you?_

  
-

Sakusa wiped the sweat from his forehead, grimacing at the feeling of the sticky film that covered his entire body. The heat and sun rays were relentless, constantly beating down upon him as he jogged down the street. The air was humid and balmy, thanks to the lack of any kind of breeze and the UV rays of the hottest star within the Milky Way.

_Well,_ he thought, _that’s summer for you._

Regardless of the constant high temperatures, bright sun, and the lack of cold wind to combat the heat, Sakusa actually liked summer. He relished in the warmth he felt whenever he stepped outside. He appreciated the glowy skin and the light freckles that dusted his nose and cheekbones whenever he saw himself in a mirror. He enjoyed the way the bright atmosphere brightened his emotions to a feeling of joy, pure happiness.

He smiled underneath his mask and filled his exhausted lungs with the stagnant air, exhaling a fresh reservoir of life-giving carbon dioxide.

He panted, his heart racing as he accelerated a little bit more, desperate to get this workout in even though it was the hottest day in Japan this year. His legs felt heavy with each step, his arms pumped forward and back to keep his momentum going. Sakusa could physically feel the burn of his muscles and the heat on his skin. He pushed farther, allowing the pain and the noon sun to push him to his limit, and then a little bit further.

He ran all the way down the block, his heartbeat pumping in time with his feet hitting the ground. Sakusa enjoyed running, he enjoyed the burn in his lungs and the feeling of flying through the air. It was therapeutic for him, like a restart button that refreshed his soul every time he pressed it.

People lined the streets, some walking and other jogging in the same way as him. He saw a mother and son holding hands as they stopped in front of a store to window shop. The boy pointed his chubby finger at a pair of shoes on display and looked up at his mother with big, pleading eyes. The mother only smiled and shook her head, cooing that his birthday was soon coming up and they could wait until then.

Sakusa turned his head and saw two girls skateboarding across the street, their untucked shirts fluttering out behind them as they wove and dodged people, occasionally yelling out to let people know of their position. Smiles graced their faces as they pumped their boards down a small hill, disappearing from Sakusa’s sight with giggles and hoots of excitement.

He looked back up the street to see a man jogging in the same direction as him. He noticed the way his body seemed to take the weight of each step and breath in the form of heavy steps and labored breathing. The man deaccelerated to a slow walk, sweat pouring down his neck and creating dark stains on the back of his grey shirt. He sipped slowly from a water bottle, taking in the needed nourishment.

Sakusa passed the man and continued jogging, already feeling the combined effect of physical activity and 27 degree weather on his body. Sweat was all over him now, and he cringed inwardly, trying to fend off the increasing slick feeling of his skin by slowing down to a walk. He took this opportunity to take off his mask and allow himself to fully breathe, taking in a deep breath of revitalizing oxygen. His legs were exhausted, they were like pure lead; so heavy and weighted. Sakusa listened to his tired body and came upon an empty bench overlooking the bustling street. He immediately sank down onto the seat, allowing his legs to stretch out underneath him. Inhaling deeply, he stretched his arms above his head and straightened his legs for a quick full-body stretch, sighing when he felt his tensed muscles relax for the first time today.

The run was successful, as it brought peace to his mind and calmed his spirit. He was able to see everything around him in a clear light now.

The sun rays were harsh, constantly shining upon him and tanning his exposed skin the slightest bit. Any sounds of wildlife were drowned out by the voices of people talking or yelling and the sounds of tires on pavement and horns honking. Sakusa listened to the sounds of a busy city as he controlled his breathing, allowing the noise to distract him and take him down a river of content satisfaction.

His lungs weren’t that exhausted anymore, and feeling was starting to return to his legs. He breathed deeply again and reached for his water bottle, hoping for some refreshment in this heat. But with one long swig, the bottle came back empty. Sakusa huffed, annoyed at himself for not filling it up with some more water during his run. He lifted his head and looked around, seeing thick crowds of people walking and steady streams of cars and trucks flowing down the street. His eyes landed on a cafe hidden in a corner just up the street. It didn’t seem to have many people around it, to his relief. With a quiet groan, he got up from his spot on the bench and started walking towards the shop, dodging people and uttering “excuse me” when the crowds became too thick for him to get around.

The cafe was small, yet it was almost full of people eating and ordering food. Through the window, Sakusa saw couples sitting in booths and chatting amicably and children laughing and running around tables as their parents tried to shush them. Disregarding the long line of people and the fact it was the closest one to him, Sakusa deemed it acceptable. Pulling up his mask over his mouth and nose, he stepped into the cafe and was immediately hit with the cold air-conditioning and smell of strong coffee. He sighed quietly with the sudden relief of cold air on his hot skin and walked to the end of the line, getting in behind a teenage boy who seemed impatient with the way he was tapping his foot and how his arms were crossed.

The atmosphere was bright within the cafe, so lively and happy. _It must have to do with the fact that it’s the first day of summer,_ observed Sakusa, _people's smiles are brighter when it’s this nice outside._

The sounds of animated talking and brewing coffee ricocheting off the walls filled up Sakusa’s ears, bright eyes and waving hands filled his line of sight. At the sound of loud yet familiar laughter, Sakusa turned his head to see the culprit of the happiest laugh he ever heard and settled his eyes on the people sitting in front of him.

There was a table with two people sitting at it. He could only see a head of a man, adorning unruly orange hair that was bobbing up and down with nods. Shakes of laughter coursed through the mystery man's body and he moved his hand overtop of the person’s hand sitting across from him, covering it with his own. Sakusa was curious, as he had never seen this man before. He eyed the joined hands and followed the arm of the mystery man’s lover(?) and froze as he saw the previously unknown face.

Light, bleached blonde hair fell across Atsumu’s golden eyes, settling on his brow. As Sakusa had many times before, the mystery man brought his other hand to brush away Atsumu’s bangs, letting his fingers linger on his brow before retracting his hand. Sakusa couldn’t breath because the way Atsumu smiled at the mystery man was the same way he smiled at Sakusa when he thought he wasn’t looking and it was the same smile he gave him after every kiss they shared and-

_The same smile that he had on when he first uttered the words “I love ya Omi.”_

The walls were closing in, suffocating him, desperate to trap him and squeeze him until he could no longer breath and his heart could never beat again. His breathing quickened and the edges of his vision darkened considerably. He felt the burning pricks of tears behind his eyes and the erratic beating of his stunned heart. Sakusa was drowning, in betrayal and hurt. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t resurface. He tried to calm himself down, to breathe. But every attempt to pull air into his lungs was met with stuttering refusal and watery hiccups.

His eyes stayed glued to Atsumu and the mystery man, even though his mind was screaming at him to leave, to look away and avoid further heartbreak.

His heart cracked when Atsumu took the mystery man’s hands between his own, cradling them softly in a way that he always had whenever Sakusa had a panic attack and needed something to ground him to the earth.

His heart broke piece by piece when Atsumu’s eyes reflected a fondness so heartachingly familiar and lovely when he looked at the man across from him. He looked at Sakusa like that the first time they stargazed together. As Sakusa rambled about the stars, Atsumu could only stare at him, paying no mind to the patterns of the divine cosmos above them. 

His heart shattered completely when Atsumu moved his hands to cup the mystery man's face, pulling him in for a soft kiss. 

The same kiss Sakusa had received from Atsumu the blissful morning of a new spring, a patient waltz with nowhere to rush too and all the time in the world. One where all the love in the world was projected, one that left you feeling warm and complete inside. A stark contrast to how Sakusa was feeling right now.

Sakusa stuttered, tripping over his feet as he shoved past the people behind him in an attempt to get the hell out of there. He gave the angry glares and harsh comments towards him no regard, their voices white noise in his ears as he stumbled through the cafe door.

He was suddenly hit with the brightness of the sun and the heated air yet he paid no mind to it. 

All he could think about was Atsumu’s eyes and the way he held the mystery man’s face in his large hands and _the way Atsumu dug his hands into Sakusa’s chest and ripped his heart out, squeezing and squeezing until the muscle was limp and Sakusa was pleading with him to let go, to give him peace._

_To stop hurting him because he didn’t know if he could take it anymore._

He ran, he sprinted as fast as he could and dodged the people in his way with the best of his impaired ability. He ran as far as he could before collapsing, broken. The tears behind his eyes flowed freely now, and sobs wracked his body. People stared at him oddly but he didn’t care. He was too busy trying to mend the impossibly scattered pieces of his broken heart. He wailed, he weeped as hard as he could, cursing summer and cursing the heat and wondering how people could be happy when the new season was so tragic, so filled with lies of happiness and joy.

Summer was a lie. There was happiness and joy, yet they only were a veil to the true meaning of the season. The truth was stagnant love and tragic betrayal. The truth of summer was unforgettable hurt mixed with the unbearable heat. 

_Oh, Atsumu. My summer._

_Why must you be so melancholic, so capable of destroying people with one glance?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, hits and everything is appreciated!


	3. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Autumn was upon them, a prospect of change floating through the air, craving to be addressed.
> 
> Whether it was good or bad, they didn’t know.

_Change is within the air, mixing with the oxygen, poisoning the atmosphere_

_Autumn, the changing colours and chilly breeze_

_Red and gold intertwining, letting go, falling and landing softly_

_Clashing, as the hot sun gives way to silver fog_

_Why must we change_

_To something we never wanted to be_

-

“Why are you here?”

Osamu simply walked through the doorway and took off his shoes, not bothering to answer Sakusa’s question immediately. Sakusa regarded him with careful eyes, curious as to why Atsumu’s twin brother would show up this late, and when Atsumu wasn’t even here.

It was a late, autumn night. Sakusa was silently reading his new mystery book and admiring the peaceful quietness of his usually restless mind when a knock sounded. Sighing, he got up from his comfortable spot on his chair and walked over to the door.

He was surprised, to say the least, to see Miya Osamu standing outside with nothing but his keys dangling in his hands and a stoic expression on his face. Sakusa thought about slamming the door in his face because anything to do with Atsumu hurt him now, but his body disobeyed his mind and he opened the door more and stepped away to give him space.

He wishes now that he hadn’t opened the door.

“I’m here ‘cause of Atsumu.” The mention of his voice pierced Sakusa’s heart and he hoped Osamu couldn’t see the pain on his face. 

Sakusa didn’t reply. He simply turned around and went to the kitchen, grabbing two cups from the cupboard and filling the kettle with water. He didn’t even ask if Osamu wanted tea, but he didn’t care. He was a good host, and if someone, even the twin brother of Atsumu, came all this way to talk to him, the least he could do was make some tea.

When the tea was done, Sakusa dropped some green tea bags in the cups and carried them to the living room. Osamu was already sitting on the couch, staring out the window with this thoughtful expression on his face. Sakusa froze for a second because Osamu had the exact copy of Atsumu’s face. Even if their hair and personalities were different, he still looked like Atsumu.

The sight of anything to do with Atsumu always made his breath leave his body in a way that made him suffocate, clawing towards the surface in a feeble attempt to have one breath of fresh air.

“Thanks fer the tea.” Osamu said, motioning towards one of the cups in Sakusa’s hands. 

Sakusa shook the thoughts out of his head and settled the tea cup in front of Osamu, careful not to spill it. He sat down in his chair, cradling the warm cup between his hands. He welcomed the heat, letting it fill him up in an attempt to contrast against the suddenly icy atmosphere. Taking a deep breath, Sakusa leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He noticed the small ripples erupt on top of the water inside the cup, little waves slowly thinning out as if the lack of motion dimmed their fire. He wished to be the ripples, to flow along a given path with not a care in the world. To be little waves that never experienced love and the pain that comes with it.

He exhaled quietly and lifted the cup to his lips, taking a sip of the hot water. It scorched the roof of his mouth and the warmth tumbled down his throat and into his stomach. He felt a little bit better, but not by much.

Osamu was silent. The only noise that came from him was the clinking of a cup against wood as he set down the mug after taking a sip. Wind howled outside, signifying the true nature of autumn, chilly and so much more different than summer. Autumn was truly upon them, as leaves fluttered against the window and as the dark sky reflected nothing. They both sat in the silence, preparing for a talk that was ultimately inevitable. 

Sakusa was the one to break the tense silence.

“Why are you here?” He repeated, knowing he didn’t get a straight answer from the man across from him.

Osamu breathed deeply and let it all out in one exhale. He leaned forward and leaned his elbows on his knees in the same position as Sakusa, obviously taking his time. Minutes passed before Osamu lifted his head, matching Sakusa’s impassive gaze head on. Pure black pierced muted grey in the quiet apartment, two men who held onto their own beliefs and didn’t know if they clashed with the other.

“I’m here fer Atsumu, like I said before,” Osamu swallowed, “But I wanna talk to ya.” Sakusa bored holes into Osamu’s eyes, taking a sip of the scorching tea as they regarded each other silently.

“He’s not here.” Sakusa spoke. Osamu sighed and ran his hand through his brown hair, an action Atsumu always did whenever he was frustrated.

“I know that, I wanted to catch ya at a time when he wasn’t ‘ere” Sakusa clutched the cup between his hands tighter, not liking at all where any of this was going.

He wanted to tell Osamu to get out, to leave him be. But that would be rude. He slowly exhaled, letting his breath anchor him, before replying,

“What did you want to speak with me about, Osamu?”

Osamu lifted his head once more, staring at Sakusa with a look that was difficult to decipher. Sakusa only looked back, wishing the cold air inside the apartment would warm up a bit more to combat the iciness he felt inside.

“What happened between ya and Atsumu?” 

That one sentence made Sakusa go still, the cup held impossibly tight between his hands. Memories of kisses snuck between hugs, of hands brushing away hair from brows were overrun of images of orange hair and hands cradling a face that wasn’t Sakusa’s. All of Sakusa’s relationship with Atsumu flashed through his head, from the sweet past to bitter present. He took a stuttering breath, not knowing how to respond to Osamu’s question.

How could he tell the brother of his boyfriend that Atsumu was unfaithful and probably didn’t love Sakusa anymore? How could he tell Osamu that despite everything, despite the more recent fights and late “work” calls, that Sakusa still loved Atsumu as much as he did when he first started dating him? How could he display his emotions in front of this man, this man that seemed so much like Atsumu, yet was so different?

Osamu spoke up again, a little bit softer and more hesitant as he didn’t mean to startle Sakusa.

“Did somethin’ bad happen? Did he cross yer boundaries? No, he did somethin’ stupid again, didn’ he? Fuck, he didn’ cheat on ya or anythin-” 

Sakusa straigtened up so suddenly that the tea sloshed in the cup and onto his pant leg. The hot water seeped through his clothes, leaving an imprint on his skin in the form of a burn. Osamu swore and immediately got up to go grab towels.

Sakusa didn’t register the feeling of drenched pants and burning skin, his fists were clenched so tightly and his mind was in shambles. The tea cup was forgotten on the table, half empty like Sakusa. Flashbacks went through his mind again, soft kisses on unknown lips, the feeling of a shattered, crushed heart, collapsing in the middle of the street due to immense pain only he could feel. His breath shuddered, and he clenched his fists tighter in an attempt to ground himself to the Earth. He couldn’t do this right now, not when Osamu was in the next room. He had to get control over himself.

Osamu walked back in, holding a towel and an ice pack. He handed them over to Sakusa and quietly asked if he was okay. Sakusa only nodded, unclenching his fists to take the ice pack and towel. He wiped away the water that was left on his leg then gingerly placed the ice pack on the burnt spot, relief filling his body when the cold made contact with his hot skin. The sensation grounded him, and he felt the smallest bit calmer. Like resting in the eye of a hurricane, knowing that although there is peace now, upturned boats and unchecked stress will come later.

Osamu settled back on the couch, studying Sakusa with another thoughtful expression on his face. He reached for the tea cup again and took another sip, before setting it back down with a _clink_. They stayed like that for a few more seconds, with Sakusa taking care of his burnt leg and conflicting thoughts and Osamu wondering what got Sakusa wound up so tight.

Sakusa exhaled in a sigh, knowing he would have to tell Osamu sooner rather than later anyways. He lowered his head and muttered quietly, 

“...He’s cheating on me. I caught him on a date with another man after I stepped into a cafe for a drink.” The words lifted an imaginary weight off of Sakusa’s chest, laying his emotions and regrets out on the table for Osamu to see. He felt a bit lighter, as if admitting what was happening would somehow help solve the problem at hand.

A sharp inhale from Osamu interrupted the atmosphere, and Sakusa slowly lifted his head to see how Osamu reacted. He knew from Osamu’s babbling earlier that he didn’t know what happened between him and Atsumu, but he didn’t expect this reaction.

Osamu was sitting straight up, a look of stormy anger present on his usually passive face. His fists were clenched and he looked as if he was about to pounce, either on Sakusa or on Atsumu if he came home. His eyes reflected a storm equivalent to a hurricane, and his jaw ticked with anger. Sakusa was surprised, as he had never seen Osamu look like this before.

“How long has it been goin’ on for?” Osamu seethed through his clenched teeth. Sakusa just stared at him.

“For a couple months now. Ever since the start of summer. He keeps telling me work keeps him late at the office but I know better.” Osamu’s fists clenched impossibly tighter and his breathing was deep, forceful inhales and exhales from clenched teeth and jaw. 

Sakusa felt so much lighter now that he had admitted the truth. He didn’t feel good at all, the chains around his heart were tightening even more, but he felt more honest with himself.

Osamu unclenched his fists and ran them through his hair, obviously trying to regain control over himself to calm down. He took a couple more deep breaths and closed his eyes. He didn’t look like he wanted to pounce anymore, but his posture was still filled with deep anger and betrayal. Sakusa understood that stance. 

Osamu opened his eyes, leaning on his knees with his elbows and bringing his hands up to cover his mouth. A more contemplative look covered his face, but the storm inside his eyes was only brewing worse, flashes of lightning and crashes of thunder sounded beneath those depths.

“That idiot. Fuck, I’m gonna kill ‘im next time I see ‘im. He’s so fuckin’ stupid, why would he even THINK of doin’ that? I’m gonna wring his neck that-” Sakusa held up his hand calmly. Osamu stopped immediately, imploring Sakusa with silent questions in his eyes.

The burn on his leg was fading, and Sakusa felt numb. He could understand Osamu’s anger, yet he was already so exhausted with this conversation that he couldn’t bear to handle it anymore. He just wanted to close his eyes and sleep this away, then wake up and realize it was all a bad dream. He wanted to wake up with the morning light and hear Atsumu’s soft snores in his ear as he held him tight in his sleep.

He wanted it to be spring again.

“Please. Please don’t say anything to him. I’m not ready for any of that confrontation.” Sakusa pleaded quietly, hoping Osamu could see the slight desperation reflected in his eyes.

Osamu stayed silent, clearly thinking about how to approach this. Sakusa hoped he would leave it alone, as this was his and Atsumu’s problem. He didn’t want to bring Osamu into this. He couldn’t.

“Osamu, please. It would only make it worse. I don’t want to confront him yet. One day I will, but not now. I can’t lose him. I love him.” Osamu looked back up at Sakusa with shock in his eyes after his confession. Sakusa only lowered his head slightly in shame, still keeping eye contact with him.

The muted gray tones of Osamu’s eyes swam with uncertainty now, and Sakusa silently urged him to stay silent on the matter. He couldn't imagine how Atsumu would act towards Sakusa if he found out that he and Osamu were talking about this. Sakusa could hear the strangled shouts ricocheting around his head. He could feel the icy cold glares they shared after a rather bad fight.

He didn’t want that to happen again.

After a long period of silence, Osamu sighed loudly, falling back against the couch cushions as he turned his head to look outside. 

“All right. I won’t say anythin’.” Osamu mumbled, sounding conflicted.

Sakusa breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed back into the chair, thankful that Osamu decided not to take it any farther.

The two men stared out the window, listening to the howls of the wind and watching nothing in particular. The night was as blank and black as ever, and the atmosphere around them had grown from tense to just uncomfortable, a slight upgrade.

Autumn was upon them, a prospect of change floating through the air, craving to be addressed.

Whether it was good or bad, they didn’t know.

“Ya really still love ‘im? Even after all of that?” Osamu asked curiously, breaking the silence.

They didn’t look at each other, only out the window. They observed the cold night, occasionally seeing leaves float past the window, never staying long enough to admire. The black sky represented Sakusa’s emotions, sadness and heartbreak swimming throughout his body in waves and tsunamis. Sakusa smiled sadly, his heart cracking once again with the weight of the truth his words held.

“Yeah. I do.”

_Atsumu, you’re like autumn._

_Why must you change so suddenly?_

_Why do I stay the same?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, hits, comments, bookmarks, etc. are all appreciated!!


	4. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were always enough for me.

_The skies open and white powder falls_

_Sprinkling the Earth with its frigid touch_

_Harsh winds and freezing temperatures_

_White and blue, signature colours_

_You consume me as winter consumes the atmosphere_

_So cold to the touch, so ignorant_

_So unloving_

_Stark contrast to the light of spring_

_And I wonder_

_If this is how it always was_

_-_

There were no birds singing.

They had migrated south, desperate to leave the harsh winds and unforgiving cold for warmth and loving light. They had taken their sweet song with them, leaving the world empty.

Sakusa wished he was flying with the birds right now, instead of being within this snow-covered and icy atmosphere. His breath was visibly within the air, even though he was inside his apartment. He could feel the cold seep through his skin, enter his veins, injecting their poison into his mind.

He hated it here.

It was 1 am and they were in the kitchen, Atsumu had just come back from another “work” call. Sakusa was making some late night tea to warm himself up when the sound of a door opening and closing with a slam startled him. He had turned around to see Atsumu leaning on the doorway, smiling lazily and staring at him with cold eyes. His eyes matched the world outside, so calculating and ready for an argument. Sakusa willed himself to only stare back with a blank expression as he calmly tried to bring his shaking tea cup up to his lips for a sip.

You’d think all hell would break loose, but that wasn’t Atsumu and Sakusa. That never happened in the beginning of their arguments, it only happened in the middle of them.

Atsumu’s tie was loose around his neck and his shirt was messily tucked in, as if he was hastily tucking it back in before entering. His hair was messier than usual, with strands sticking up and falling across his forehead. Upon further observation, Sakusa saw a dark bruise starting on Atsumu’s neck, and he inhaled sharply.

Sakusa set his tea cup on the counter, the ripples erupting across the surface with the motion. His emotions felt like the ripples, erupting out of his chest then slowly retracting inward. He didn’t like it when they did that.

“Where were you?” Sakusa inquired, his soft yet stern voice showing his disapproval.

Atsumu only shrugged and walked towards Sakusa, leaning a couple feet in front of him on the opposite counter. His smile was gone now, and Sakusa could see the manipulative words flitting around Atsumu’s head. His expression was neutral, clearly studying Sakusa in a way no one else could.

“I had work, I told ya.” Atsumu was defending himself, putting a guard up for any accusations Sakusa had lined up. Sakusa bit his lip, his emotions doing the ripple thing. Except, they were more like huge waves now, crashing from his stomach, up his throat, and on the tip of his tongue. 

“Why do you have a hickey? You were with him again, weren’t you?” The words flew past Sakusa’s lips before he could stop them. He didn’t regret them, but he knew the consequences that would come with this action.

Atsumu’s eyes narrowed, his neutral expression rivaling even the most severe winter storms. Atsumu’s golden eyes, once filled with adoration and joy, were filled with nothing but distaste, the bitterness made them seem more brown now. He crossed his arms in front of his chest protectively.

“I wasn’t. I was at work. I TOLD ya already.” His cold words stung Sakusa, painting an angry, red flush against his cheeks. 

Sakusa turned around so he was fully facing Atsumu, leaning back against the counter and clenching it with both hands so he didn’t pounce and end up strangling Atsumu. He wanted too, with every lie that this man uttered, he wanted to.

“You’re lying. Again.” Sakusa challenged him to create another false fabrication of his night, to break his heart even more. He dared him to.

An angry blush creeped up Atsumu’s bruised neck and onto his cheeks. His brow puckered in annoyance and his lips were set into a straight line. Sakusa kept angry eye contact with him, broken onyx with unforgiving brown.

Then, hell broke loose.

“Why can’t ya jus’ trust me?” Atsumu’s voice was thundering through the air, making the icy cold even more frosty with each syllable thrown from his mouth. 

“Because you come home looking like this,” Sakusa motioned towards Atsumu’s body, “And you don’t even come home sometimes!” The counter must’ve been bending with the way Sakusa’s was clenching it so tightly. He was so hurt, betrayed. 

He wanted to make Atsumu feel the way he felt. He wanted Atsumu to feel the pain that came along with loving someone so immensely that the person could be ripping your soul apart piece by piece, yet you still cared for them. 

Sakusa wanted Atsumu to feel the pain of heartbreak and deception.

Atsumu ran his hands through his hair, exhaling in large breaths. He gripped at the base of his hair, anger lining his actions and staining the air around his body.

“So what if I come home lookin’ like this? I’m allowed to live my life ya know!” The howls of wind outside were drowned out by Atsumu’s voice, so cold it cut through Sakusa’s body, leaving a caustic wound.

Sakusa hissed lowly, wishing Atsumu would, for once in his life, understand how Sakusa felt. 

“You’re allowed to live your life, but that doesn’t include cheating on me!” Sakusa’s words were impossibly frigid, settling in the air between them. The words echoed in both of their ears, the accusation loud and clear.

Sakusa was ready now. He was ready to pick up the pieces and lay out his heart in front of Atsumu, showing him the damage he caused.

“What’s his name Atsumu? Tell me, I’d love to know who you’ve been spending so much time with.” 

Atsumu froze and Sakusa knew his words affected him. He went completely still, conflicting emotions present in the depths of his eyes. His mouth opened and closed wordlessly, and the atmosphere between them was way below zero now. Sakusa bored holes into him, hoping his cold stare would pierce the facade Atsumu always put up before him. He felt satisfaction catching Atsumu off guard like this, but it didn’t last long.

Atsumu straightened suddenly, and if looks could kill, Sakusa would’ve been dead by now. Atsumu gazed at Sakusa with a look that took all of the air out of his chest and replaced it with the emptiest feeling he had ever experienced. This look wasn’t new, yet this time, it seemed even colder. As if Atsumu wanted to hurt Sakusa. 

As if he intended to hurt him with every weapon he had stored away underneath his personality. His toxic mask.

“Hinata Shoyou. That’s his name.” Atsumu smirked, his intentions to hurt Sakusa painfully clear now.

Sakusa almost laughed at Atsumu, but he held himself back with his last shred of dignity. He couldn’t believe it. So that was the orange-haired, mystery man’s name. That was the name of the man Atsumu looked at with so much love, fondness and care shining in his eyes. He was the man who Atsumu kissed so softly, cherishing him as he once did with Sakusa so long ago.

_Hinata Shoyou._

His name sounded bitter like poison in his head. _Hinata. Hinata. Hinata._ He was Atsumu’s lover, and Sakusa was reeling at the fact that Atsumu had finally admitted to being unfaithful.

_He admitted to tearing his heart out of his chest, plucking pieces of his soul out piece by piece, standing over top of a hurting Sakusa, laughing maniacally as he saw the pain he caused, squeezing every last drop of blood out of his shattered heart while doing so._

He wasn’t lying to Sakusa. His words, honest and cold eyes, and the way he smirked so harshly at Sakusa told him so.

Sakusa’s emotions were hurricanes, taking over his body, raking up a storm so intense that he had to hold onto the counter and bite the inside of his cheek harder. Nothing could compare to how Sakusa felt, nothing.

“Get out.” Sakusa’s voice was soft, a stark contrast to minutes before. It held all of the icicles in the world, aimed at Atsumu. Intent on stabbing him and leaving him bleeding all over the counter and floor.

Atsumu’s facade broke slightly to showcase the surprise in his eyes. His expression faltered, and he seemed shocked. Sakusa didn’t care, because he was numb right now. Those words were all he could utter, as the storm within him was relentless and it was exhausting. Sakusa was so tired, so tired of being hurt and lied to over and over. He couldn’t handle the constant made up stories of where Atsumu had been the previous night as Sakusa didn’t say anything about the scratch marks up and down his back whenever he undressed in front of him. He was spent, and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and never face the harsh and unforgiving world again.

Atsumu got up from leaning against the counter and walked towards the door, his muscles tense as he angrily shoved his feet into his shoes. Sakusa let go off the counter, arms hanging by his side as he collapsed within himself.

Atsumu paused at the doorway, coat in hand and the other grabbing the door handle. He looked back at Sakusa, so cruel and heartless. His eyes were pure ice, and hatred swam beneath that ice. Sakusa felt the tears prick at his eyes, and he willed himself not to cry. He couldn’t cry in front of Atsumu.

“If yer wonderin’ why, it’s because ya weren’t enough fer me. Ya never were.” With that ruthless stab, Atsumu walked out and slammed the door behind him, leaving the cold apartment and a wrecked Sakusa.

_Ya weren’t enough fer me. Ya never were._

The words flitted around the apartment, sinking into corners and shelves, staining the air and allowing their disgust and hurt to intrude Sakusa’s body. The tears were flowing down Sakusa’s face freely, casting an eerie glow upon his features. He sank down onto the floor, allowing his weeps to sound throughout the apartment. The sound of his heart falling away completely joined his cries, and he howled with the wind.

He felt empty. So lonely, so broken.

So hurt.

He was suffering because, even though he wasn’t enough for Atsumu, Atsumu was more than enough for him.

Memories of early mornings, making dinner together, dancing in the kitchen late at night with no sound except for their soft footfalls and their hearts beating together floated through the apartment and bled through the walls, leaving Sakusa forever.

He wanted to go back to spring. 

He so badly wanted to go back to a place where nothing mattered but the birds singing and the sleeping man beside him, an arm across his chest as he hugged Sakusa close.

He wanted to go back to stargazing, rambling about the infinite cosmos above them as Sakusa only had eyes for Atsumu. Because solar systems and comets with their shimmering tails and rotating planets lined with bright stars had nothing on the galaxy within his eyes.

Sakusa cried at the memories leaving him, he begged silently for them to return, to give him his old life back. He clenched at them, but they ripped away from him each time.

_It’s over,_ they would say as they sadly looked upon him, _it’s not coming back._

Sakusa weeped into the early hours of the morning, because he couldn’t bear to fall asleep without the warmth of the man beside him. He cried through the day as he couldn’t imagine doing domestic chores without Atsumu clinging to him in some way, whining about cuddles and kisses. He couldn’t bear to live without his soulmate.

_Bitter, isn’t it?_ Sakusa thought as his tears stained the floor, _how I still love him with every inch of my being even if he doesn’t care anymore._

The winter storm roared at him, reminding him of his loss. The wind screamed with Sakusa, the snowflakes fluttered down and settled on his cold skin, covering him in inches thick perspiration.

_You were never enough for me._

_Then why did you stay?_

-

_Winter is your season, Atsumu_

_Cold and relentless, bent on killing every last bit of life within me_

_Go ahead, destroy me_

_Break me_

_Tear me apart piece by piece and cover my body in your harsh words_

_Break my bones, torture me all you want_

_I will let you_

_Because if this excruciating pain is what I have to go through_

_To make you stay by my side_

_I will willingly sacrifice my body and soul to you_

_Oh, Atsumu_

_The changing of seasons has nothing on you_

_Why did you leave me here_

_Alone, in the cold_

_Can't you see the love in my eyes?_

_Why must we change_

_As the seasons do_

_Why must spring turn to summer_

_Autumn to winter_

_Why didn't my love satisfy you?_

_Why am I not enough for you?_

_You were always enough for me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end. Did I cry while writing this? Yes I did.
> 
> Thank you to everyone contributing to Sakuatsu Angst Week 2021, I'll be back again with another story.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate anyone who takes time out of their day to read this, you guys truly make writing that much better.
> 
> Comments, kudos, and everything else is appreciated!
> 
> See you soon!


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